Ever since I was a kid, I have been asking why some birds are caged while others enjoy the freedom to fly anywhere they want. I am 17 now, and no one has given me an answer.
I have always been independent and I have been living by the idea that I can live my life the way I want to. I am a wonder girl, they say — mature, gifted and smart. I have always wanted a life in which only I and my instincts decide which way to go, which path to take. My family trusts me, and doesn’t worry too much. I grew up loving the freedom my parents gave me.
When the time came for me to enter college, I picked my school, my course, and the place where I would stay. At first, everything went smoothly. It was if the universe was cooperating well with me. I was happy and contented with the results of the decisions I made for myself.
But then life took a different turn. I felt like a lost sheep. I had thought leaving my hometown and going to Davao for college would make my life better than how it was in high school. I was confident that because my parents taught me to be independent, I could live by myself and on my own terms, without listening to what others had to say. I thought everything had been prepared for me and that I had enough support to go on with my plans: an educational plan, enough money for my tuition and my daily commodities. Unfortunately, things did not turn out that way.
My life has become miserable. I am not excelling in school like I did in high school. I feel lonely and empty. I miss my family and my friends. It seems as if my life has lost direction and that tomorrow remains uncertain.
It haunts me every night when I go to bed. I feel guilty and frustrated thinking about what could have been. I hate blaming myself for what I have brought upon my own self and the people who love me. I don’t want to admit that my decisions were wrong or unwise, but as of the moment, what else should I call them?
When I was in high school, people were amazed at my maturity, my talents. They asked what my secret was. Some of my fellow students even idolized me for my leadership and for being a consistent winner in regional and national competitions. Everyone expected me to achieve whatever I wanted to do in life. But right now, I am beginning to think I have already failed all of them because I made the wrong choice.
I keep musing: If I had been born rich, maybe I wouldn’t be experiencing all of these. If my family was well off, maybe I wouldn’t need to worry about my future and perhaps my younger brother would have already been through what he’s suffering until now. Or maybe if only I listened to what those people had to say before, especially my mom, I wouldn’t be writing this kind of article right now.
However, I realize that if I keep questioning why my life turned out this way without admitting responsibility for the consequences of my choices, it still wouldn’t make a difference.
In a few months’ time, I will be of legal age. What I need to do is stand up and become stronger, to stop blaming myself for the things that have happened in my life, work my way out of this mess, and face the challenges. Everyone commits mistakes, but everyone can also correct those mistakes. I know that every mistake I have made, I can always rectify. It’s just a matter of choice. I can sulk and forever blame myself or I can accept the things I’ve done wrong and then move on and fix my life. I may have regrets now but if I work my way through this, who knows, the choice I thought was wrong could turn out to be actually a good one. I don’t know yet.It’s March and I hate it, because it reminds me of how everything began, how it all started with a decision I made when I graduated from high school full of dreams and ideals.
I hope every graduating high school student will take time to understand the world they will soon enter. I hope that they realize that at this crucial point in their lives, seeking guidance and advice from their parents is very important.
I hope that what has happened to me will not change what I represent in the eyes of my family, my parents, my friends and the people who believe in me. I have not changed. I am still the wonder girl they used to know, who dreams big and who can make things happen. I know that what I am experiencing could disappoint them, but every girl has to go through this process just like diamonds are made to shine. I have learned a lot and this experience will help me become a woman.
Perhaps if someone had given me the answer to the question I kept asking from the time I was a kid, I would have been much wiser. No one did, but still I am thankful because God made me experience it by myself. Now I can give the answer to my own question: There is no such thing as absolute freedom. Even the birds that are free to fly in the sky cannot go beyond certain limits. And when they touch those limits, they begin to feel like those who live in a cage.
